So I was reading one of my favorite blogs today, The Bloggess, and as usual, she posted something that was very poignant and hit very close to home. You can read about it here. If you're lazy like me and you don't want to read it, I'll sum it up for you. She talks about depression and how people who suffer with it are survivors too. Only they're not called survivors because most people don't realize that others have it or are fighting it. And how everyone matters, because they do. I suggest reading it because I really can't sum it up as well as she does.
I have depression. I have had it most of my life. I also have anxiety. I haven't had that nearly as long, but I've had it quite a long time. Too long in fact. I try not to let the darkness of depression pull me from the sunlight of happiness. I'm not always successful with that. When I'm down, I'm very down and it isn't fun. But when I emerge from the darkness and walk back into the sunlight, I always feel victorious. Because I won. I didn't let it beat me. So while that I can, I will soak up the sunlight of happiness and live for it, because who knows how long it will last before the rainclouds come and drag be back into the darkness.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
Death. Or something like it...
So my last post was about how I had been busy doing life and stuff. And let's be honest, it was a little bit of a downer. I can't believe how self absorbed that post was. Sure this is my blog and I can write what I want, but my life changed drastically since then. I've been working up the courage and the motivation to write this, so here it goes.
On December 11th, I went to church for the first time in a while. I hadn't gone because I didn't want to, it's because I physically wasn't well enough to go. That's beside the point though. Church seemed pretty somber to me and I just chalked it up to the weather being dreary outside. Church had a really good lesson and I got my message loud and clear. What's that you say?? You wanna know what my message was?? Well my message was to get down on my hands and knees and pray when things become too difficult for me to handle. Great message isn't it? I thought so too. Heavenly Father knows so much and it blows my mind when he gives us a message to prepare us for what's to come. I loved my message so much, I shared it with my sister.
Then, on December 12th, everything went dark. My mom had fallen the Friday before and her leg was starting to turn red and the swelling was insane, so I made her go to the doctor. They admitted her to the hospital to check for blood clots because she had one that had almost killed her before. Luckily, she didn't have any and got to come home.
She gets home and we have supper and as soon as supper was over, we got the phone call. It was my sister-in-law's mother. She ended up talking to me because she didn't want to tell my mom. She proceeded to tell me that my brother, Norrie, had shot himself. My heart sank. She told me where they were taking him and that he was still breathing and asked me to call my siblings. Naturally, I did so. I would have even if I hadn't been asked. We all scramble to get out of the house and to the hospital.
We get there and they would only allow my parents to back and my nephews. My sister-in-law couldn't as they had gotten a divorce last year, but the still loved each other. After a few minutes, they tell us to come on back, but as we start to go back, some nurse stops us and tells us that we can't go and that they are only allowing two at a time. We were furious, but another nurse motions for us to come on anyways. We turn the corner and I see my brother, Stephen and his wife bawling. My heart sank even further. How I didn't collapse is beyond me. She tells us he didn't make it and my sister and I start bawling but we keep on following the nurse. She took us into the room where they had them and my nephew David and my sister-in-law, Billie Jo, and my parents are in there already. It was the most surreal thing I have ever experienced.
We all stood there sobbing and hugging each other and placing our hands to feel his touch one last time. I finally had to pull myself away for a moment to call my sister, Leigh, and my brother, Richard, who were not there. When I had finished, I went back in and cried more with my family. When we finally decided we had had enough of torturing ourselves by seeing Norrie in that way, we were ushered into a private waiting room so that we could wait for the others who were on their way that hadn't made it yet. We spent a long time there crying, sobbing, hugging each other, and trying to figure out what needed to be done next. Chris, my nephew, had finally made it. He had been on his way on the other side of Pensacola for work and had just gotten to Pensacola when he received the call. He refused to see him. I can't really blame him for that. Who wants to remember their father in that way? It wasn't a pretty sight at all and I almost wish that I hadn't seen him. But then I know that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I hadn't.
We finally went home and the nightmare had only begun. I had to wake the kids up to tell them what happened. I simplified it as best as I could so that Ainsley could understand. I never thought that I would be explaining what suicide was to my kids. I never thought that Norrie would do this. But he had, and I had to explain it. My parents and I spent all night awake. We had all tried to sleep, but we couldn't. So we stayed up looking at pictures and talking. I think it helped. I needed something to do and I wanted there to be pictures at his funeral so that people could remember how wonderful he was.
The next morning, we went to Billie Jo's to figure out what to do. To see if he had any insurance that would cover the funeral and what not. The insurance that he did have, he let lapse in March. We hoped and prayed that his work insurance would cover it since most policies exclude suicide for payout. We found out later in the afternoon that it would in fact pay. That was a huge relief. If it had to come down to it, we all would have paid out of our pockets for the funeral. By the time that we had gotten back, people had started dropping food off. In a way, it almost feels like a waste because we were so sick to our stomachs that the thought of food was nauseating. I had to write out who Norrie was proceeded by and survived by for the obituary notice for the paper. That nearly killed me. Norrie was the fourth of seven kids. Anytime I had to write our names out, naturally he came fourth. This time, Leigh came fourth because this was for his obituary. That's so not fair. None of us could sleep again.
On Wednesday, I did the hardest thing I ever have had to do in my life. And that was plan the funeral of my brother. We had held out hope that maybe the damage wasn't too bad that we could have an open casket viewing, but that was quickly dashed as I had a feeling it would be. We picked out pictures for the memorial disk that the funeral home had put together to play during the viewing. After the arrangements had been made, we went home. I proceeded to call people and answer the phone so that my mother wouldn't have to be subjected to the pain of talking to people about it. Every time I spoke with someone, I started to cry. I had talked to our Relief Society President and just cried and cried to her as she was on her way to church for Wednesday night activities. She told me that she would send someone out to give us a blessing. So Brother Hearn and Brother Vest came out and they gave us all blessings. Leigh had finally arrived by this point too.
Thursday was spent in a complete haze. By this point, none of us had really slept or eaten anything. And it all seemed like one long day that had nights, if that makes any sense. It didn't feel like a new day hard started. And in a way, it hadn't. We were living in a nightmare. By the time Friday rolled around, I was numb. I sat by my mother and held her hand and my brother Tom's hand during the service. At the graveside service, my mother had me sit between her and my father. I held both their hands. I know that I was in pain grieving for my brother, but I can not fathom the heart ache and the agony my parents were experiencing in losing their child. After the funeral, we went to Billie Jo's church as they had wanted to do something for us and had lunch or whatever it's called after a funeral. It's not a reception but it is at the same time.
I'm not sure what else to say right now. There are a lot of reasons why Norrie did what he did. But I won't disclose that here. It's not pertinent for you to know why anyways. But I wanted to share this. I wondered if I should even put this out there. But I decided that I should because I told myself that I needed a place to vent, cry, whatever. And I promised myself that I wouldn't hold back. The fact is this happened. And I can't change that. I have to move on as do my family. Its hard.
I wanted to add to that even when you think you are backed up in a corner and there is no way out other than taking your own life, you're wrong. There is always someone there to help you. There is always someone there to love you. There is always someone there to grieve for you if you take your own life. There are hotlines you can call to get yourself off the ledge. The National Suicide Hotline ALWAYS has someone to talk to. It's what they are there for. If you feel like you need to take this drastic a measure, please let someone know. Because your family loves you no matter what. I love my brother and I miss him terribly.
1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK
On December 11th, I went to church for the first time in a while. I hadn't gone because I didn't want to, it's because I physically wasn't well enough to go. That's beside the point though. Church seemed pretty somber to me and I just chalked it up to the weather being dreary outside. Church had a really good lesson and I got my message loud and clear. What's that you say?? You wanna know what my message was?? Well my message was to get down on my hands and knees and pray when things become too difficult for me to handle. Great message isn't it? I thought so too. Heavenly Father knows so much and it blows my mind when he gives us a message to prepare us for what's to come. I loved my message so much, I shared it with my sister.
Then, on December 12th, everything went dark. My mom had fallen the Friday before and her leg was starting to turn red and the swelling was insane, so I made her go to the doctor. They admitted her to the hospital to check for blood clots because she had one that had almost killed her before. Luckily, she didn't have any and got to come home.
She gets home and we have supper and as soon as supper was over, we got the phone call. It was my sister-in-law's mother. She ended up talking to me because she didn't want to tell my mom. She proceeded to tell me that my brother, Norrie, had shot himself. My heart sank. She told me where they were taking him and that he was still breathing and asked me to call my siblings. Naturally, I did so. I would have even if I hadn't been asked. We all scramble to get out of the house and to the hospital.
We get there and they would only allow my parents to back and my nephews. My sister-in-law couldn't as they had gotten a divorce last year, but the still loved each other. After a few minutes, they tell us to come on back, but as we start to go back, some nurse stops us and tells us that we can't go and that they are only allowing two at a time. We were furious, but another nurse motions for us to come on anyways. We turn the corner and I see my brother, Stephen and his wife bawling. My heart sank even further. How I didn't collapse is beyond me. She tells us he didn't make it and my sister and I start bawling but we keep on following the nurse. She took us into the room where they had them and my nephew David and my sister-in-law, Billie Jo, and my parents are in there already. It was the most surreal thing I have ever experienced.
We all stood there sobbing and hugging each other and placing our hands to feel his touch one last time. I finally had to pull myself away for a moment to call my sister, Leigh, and my brother, Richard, who were not there. When I had finished, I went back in and cried more with my family. When we finally decided we had had enough of torturing ourselves by seeing Norrie in that way, we were ushered into a private waiting room so that we could wait for the others who were on their way that hadn't made it yet. We spent a long time there crying, sobbing, hugging each other, and trying to figure out what needed to be done next. Chris, my nephew, had finally made it. He had been on his way on the other side of Pensacola for work and had just gotten to Pensacola when he received the call. He refused to see him. I can't really blame him for that. Who wants to remember their father in that way? It wasn't a pretty sight at all and I almost wish that I hadn't seen him. But then I know that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I hadn't.
We finally went home and the nightmare had only begun. I had to wake the kids up to tell them what happened. I simplified it as best as I could so that Ainsley could understand. I never thought that I would be explaining what suicide was to my kids. I never thought that Norrie would do this. But he had, and I had to explain it. My parents and I spent all night awake. We had all tried to sleep, but we couldn't. So we stayed up looking at pictures and talking. I think it helped. I needed something to do and I wanted there to be pictures at his funeral so that people could remember how wonderful he was.
The next morning, we went to Billie Jo's to figure out what to do. To see if he had any insurance that would cover the funeral and what not. The insurance that he did have, he let lapse in March. We hoped and prayed that his work insurance would cover it since most policies exclude suicide for payout. We found out later in the afternoon that it would in fact pay. That was a huge relief. If it had to come down to it, we all would have paid out of our pockets for the funeral. By the time that we had gotten back, people had started dropping food off. In a way, it almost feels like a waste because we were so sick to our stomachs that the thought of food was nauseating. I had to write out who Norrie was proceeded by and survived by for the obituary notice for the paper. That nearly killed me. Norrie was the fourth of seven kids. Anytime I had to write our names out, naturally he came fourth. This time, Leigh came fourth because this was for his obituary. That's so not fair. None of us could sleep again.
On Wednesday, I did the hardest thing I ever have had to do in my life. And that was plan the funeral of my brother. We had held out hope that maybe the damage wasn't too bad that we could have an open casket viewing, but that was quickly dashed as I had a feeling it would be. We picked out pictures for the memorial disk that the funeral home had put together to play during the viewing. After the arrangements had been made, we went home. I proceeded to call people and answer the phone so that my mother wouldn't have to be subjected to the pain of talking to people about it. Every time I spoke with someone, I started to cry. I had talked to our Relief Society President and just cried and cried to her as she was on her way to church for Wednesday night activities. She told me that she would send someone out to give us a blessing. So Brother Hearn and Brother Vest came out and they gave us all blessings. Leigh had finally arrived by this point too.
Thursday was spent in a complete haze. By this point, none of us had really slept or eaten anything. And it all seemed like one long day that had nights, if that makes any sense. It didn't feel like a new day hard started. And in a way, it hadn't. We were living in a nightmare. By the time Friday rolled around, I was numb. I sat by my mother and held her hand and my brother Tom's hand during the service. At the graveside service, my mother had me sit between her and my father. I held both their hands. I know that I was in pain grieving for my brother, but I can not fathom the heart ache and the agony my parents were experiencing in losing their child. After the funeral, we went to Billie Jo's church as they had wanted to do something for us and had lunch or whatever it's called after a funeral. It's not a reception but it is at the same time.
I'm not sure what else to say right now. There are a lot of reasons why Norrie did what he did. But I won't disclose that here. It's not pertinent for you to know why anyways. But I wanted to share this. I wondered if I should even put this out there. But I decided that I should because I told myself that I needed a place to vent, cry, whatever. And I promised myself that I wouldn't hold back. The fact is this happened. And I can't change that. I have to move on as do my family. Its hard.
I wanted to add to that even when you think you are backed up in a corner and there is no way out other than taking your own life, you're wrong. There is always someone there to help you. There is always someone there to love you. There is always someone there to grieve for you if you take your own life. There are hotlines you can call to get yourself off the ledge. The National Suicide Hotline ALWAYS has someone to talk to. It's what they are there for. If you feel like you need to take this drastic a measure, please let someone know. Because your family loves you no matter what. I love my brother and I miss him terribly.
1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK
Friday, December 9, 2011
Life. Or something like it...
Life is one of those things that the older you get, the quicker it passes by. Which is totally why it's taken me do long to make a post. Well that and the fact that I have ADHD, Lupus, and Rheumatoid Arthritis. And I'm a little bit lazy, but I'm totally gonna blame life in general to make myself feel better.
I usually love the holiday season. October barely starts before I'm loading Christmas music on my phone and changing my ringtone to "The Chipmunk Song". This year is a little different. It is the first year that my Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis is full blow. I normally love going out and fighting the crowds at the. Stores to go shopping, but this year is different. I'm actually dreading it. And that bothers me. I dread it because before I even get into the stores good, I'm in agony from the pain. Sure they have the little motorized scooter thingies, but I feel weird about being 31 and putzing around on one.
I normally love the coldness and having Jack Frost nipping at my nose. Not so much anymore. I'm now consumed in pain from the bitterness of the cold. And I hate that. It sucks because the time of year that I always looked forward to because it brought such pleasure to me now brings dread and pain. But this is now the life that I live. But you know what? Even with everything that is going on in my life, I'm still thankful for my heavenly father because he is allowing me to still breathe the air and to see wonderful sights and to hear the beautiful music that we have. So I guess the moral of my whining is this, no matter how bad you think you have it, just think about the whole scheme of things. You can have it so much worse than than you do now. And if you put your faith in heavenly father, he will lead you out of it. And you'll be stronger for it too.
I usually love the holiday season. October barely starts before I'm loading Christmas music on my phone and changing my ringtone to "The Chipmunk Song". This year is a little different. It is the first year that my Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis is full blow. I normally love going out and fighting the crowds at the. Stores to go shopping, but this year is different. I'm actually dreading it. And that bothers me. I dread it because before I even get into the stores good, I'm in agony from the pain. Sure they have the little motorized scooter thingies, but I feel weird about being 31 and putzing around on one.
I normally love the coldness and having Jack Frost nipping at my nose. Not so much anymore. I'm now consumed in pain from the bitterness of the cold. And I hate that. It sucks because the time of year that I always looked forward to because it brought such pleasure to me now brings dread and pain. But this is now the life that I live. But you know what? Even with everything that is going on in my life, I'm still thankful for my heavenly father because he is allowing me to still breathe the air and to see wonderful sights and to hear the beautiful music that we have. So I guess the moral of my whining is this, no matter how bad you think you have it, just think about the whole scheme of things. You can have it so much worse than than you do now. And if you put your faith in heavenly father, he will lead you out of it. And you'll be stronger for it too.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Starting Over
Okay, I have no idea if I'll be able to keep this up. I'm starting this blog over from scratch. Again. I hope that I can. I need an outlet to let my frustrations out without judgement from others. I'm sure I'll get them from readers eventually, but for now I know I won't.
I hate starting over. With everything. It means leaving everything that has happened behind in the past and hopefully looking ahead in a positive light.
I look back at my life and I wonder how things would have turned out if I had done things differently. I know that I wouldn't have my kids if I hadn't married my ex-husband, so in that respect, I'm glad that I did marry him because I have two incredibly wonderful kids ever.
So here I am. Starting over in more than one way. Here's to hoping that the future is bright and well.
I look back at my life and I wonder how things would have turned out if I had done things differently. I know that I wouldn't have my kids if I hadn't married my ex-husband, so in that respect, I'm glad that I did marry him because I have two incredibly wonderful kids ever.
So here I am. Starting over in more than one way. Here's to hoping that the future is bright and well.
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